I smell stomach acid.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
