glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
