hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
