I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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