I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
