shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
