Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
