Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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