awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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