Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
