It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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