I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
