haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
did i just pee glitter
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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