I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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