I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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