I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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