im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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