i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
