so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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