So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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