my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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