At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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