I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
