Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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