im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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