Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
