god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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