There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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