Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my sisters under your porch take her home
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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