if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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