just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
