Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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