She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
