why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
