Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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