im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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