My Higher Power is John Stamos
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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