my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
