Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
