Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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