What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
