so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
