It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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