i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
