I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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