I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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