my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
