so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
