I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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