im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
