I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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