hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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