STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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