he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
