I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
