Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize