how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
