got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
