You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I did not marry a roomba.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
