Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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