By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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