i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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