"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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