The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
