he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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