Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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